Hi,
Lately, I’ve been drifting off again - lying in an imaginary field - somewhere in my head, warm sun on my face, the air carrying the smell of pine and dust, mountains stretching out like an unfinished sentence. I imagine running until there’s nothing left of me but breath dissolving into the wind.
And somehow I find myself at peace.
It is strange how we circle back to the places that once hurt us, pulled like moths to an invisible flame. That gravitational ache, heavy but invisible, mixed with self-doubt, always seems to drag me back into daydreams of escape. Of slipping into the woods. As if the pines, willows, and mountain goats had been holding onto answers for me all this time - answers about how to keep going.
The road calls in the same way’ trees, rivers, strangers, all whispering - luring me like ancient vikings blowing horns in the darkness of a forest. And me, always chasing dreams and sweet, sweet wine, always wondering if my courage is wasted on thoughts alone.
And
When I spend enough time in this state, there comes a point when the demons hunt you down, maybe they know I am distracted and when I see them coming… I run (physically on roads and mentally on thoughts, in both what I know as reality and in the dream-state). Escape. To the end of the world. Or from human-sized cats in an alley trying to bite my neck.
Why?
Well, you know when you are so tired that your defenses fall, and something inside you can't be held anymore? You let go - maybe a cry, a scream, or a sigh. You're in bed, everything aches, your body collapsed, and for some reason, your emotions are out there dancing to a beat you've never heard before. It feels wild, chaotic, like whisky shouting somewhere in the back of your skull while you lie flat on fresh, flower scented sheets, sober.
That state is sometimes the only thing that gets me to cool off from the heat of the world. Thee heat - The heat, whatever.
so I run
run, baby, run - for your life, for God. For whoever is watching out there. for Love.
There seems to be a connection between running away from our fears and goals and into the abyss and also why people in general put themselves in extreme exhaustion. Pushing the limits of what the body can handle. But
why why why?
Hold on, I swear this will make sense at some point.
First let me tell you this; running is never about running.
Every time I take a step or a turn in the pool, a fraction of me dies on the wall or the floor - the more I run, the more I let go… the more I swim, the more things dissipate. Physical exhaustion lets your barriers fall, so you can finally see what's holding you back. Digging through layers of dirty, deeply ingrained secrets until you hit something real. Problems dissipated through sweat and tears. It feels like freedom. Not for everyone, but I sweat-r it works.
It's no surprise runcations & wild swimming are on the rise since the pandemic - combine that with the connection of a community and you've got yourself a sweet deal, amig@.
Because this is about stripping away noise, facing yourself, and deciding what matters when all you have is your breath, your body, and the road.
and then you start craving it - the suffering, the sweat, the not being able to breathe… so you just put your head down, until you hit the wall, in the hope that something inside you leaves - there's no room to think about your problems when you're in a place like this.
A solitary ritual - meditation - rebellion - a stop to a constant escape but moving forward, step by step.
I've always thought people who train for Ironman’s carry something heavy they can't let go of - and we all do. But if you've ever met one, you can tell their fears, their energy, their insecurities are in some other dimension.
Why spend 14+ hours doing a triathlon? where are you going? what are you trying to escape? how many demons are haunting you, buddy? I know one who says: "you just have to say to hell with it and keep going." maybe it's not the healthiest mantra, but it works when you're burning with disproportionate anger and rage. This guy is a heat train, you get in his way, you regret it forever, the devil’s right hand. So a 4-hour run can drag those demons back to hell for a while.
You’re probably still wondering where the fuck all of this is going… I’m not even sure myself. That’s just how my brain works - so we’ll see. I went from the eternal loop of hell that smells like Sisyphus, to escaping in the woods, to running as cure.
ah well, yes. A natural progression…
The spiritual philosophy of running
because
the beat goes on, legs pounding pavement like typewriter keys, sweat dripping like ink, and somewhere between exhaustion and freedom, you finally feel the sentence you were born to write. And live.
And maybe that's what this whole thing is about. Not running away, but running into. Into the pain and fears, into the silence, into the truth you can't face when you're standing still.
Because here's what I've learned from all this time running since I was a little grom: Those demons I was talking about? That loop of hell? They don't actually disappear when you run. They come with you. Mile after mile, lap after lap. Concrete after grass. But somewhere in between, in that deliberate choosing of suffering and acceptance, it hits you. You stop being afraid of them. You start having conversations instead of getting hunted.
And that old Grateful Dead song finally makes sense. Not just some outlaw tale, but a reminder that the devil always shows up — the same way fears and insecurities keep circling back. You can’t outrun them.
I lit out from Reno, I was trailed by twenty hounds,
Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around
Set out runnin' but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
Just might get some sleep tonight
Ran into the devil, babe, he loaned me twenty bills
Spent the night in Utah
in a cave up in the hills.
So yeah… listen babe, I love playing with the devil.
And the woods are still calling, and maybe one day I'll answer. But for now, I've found my own forest, my own cave up in the hills of Utah - but it’s made of roads, trails and pool lanes and the sound of my own breathing, the seagulls, the ocean and you are here too. And the devil knows me better not to give me twenty dollar bills but sure knows how to lure me in…
Anyway
Run or not; take care of those demons. They're not going anywhere, so you might as well make some friends along the way.
Who knows, maybe one day - they can save your life.
Peace out,
Alejandro xxx
You run or walk long enough and encounter not only your demons but your saints, your protectors. When you are going for long enough, you'll certainly going to forget so many things - but some of them will stick to your brain and burn beneath your eyelids. The first time I went on a several days walk, I forgot about almost everything - it was like I was worlds away from my world. But the same song always came back to me, as well as the same couple of people. So, the roads also make you remember - not only forget. And they elevate what matters, instead of just showing what doesn't. The winds comes and wipes all the dust and so few things will be left behind - those are the things you need to leave. The things you keep remembering when the roads make you forget everything else. So, it is a process of disconnection as it is, as well, a process of resignification and reattachment. But well - who am I to say this? You already said so much, brilliantly. I loved, loved this.